Late 2022 – early 2023
*”This is for tea” is something I reportedly said when taking a lemon off a shelf in a store when I was little, and it is a meme in the house
**This is a real song, I was told
Entry#1:
Oops. I should’ve written something like “Baguette is the Best” or Diary of a Perfect Cat” there. But I wrote “Baguette’s Diary,” and it’s in pen, so. Too bad.
My name is Baguette because I look like one. And the best-looking baguette (or cat) in the world, too. I have stripes that look like coffee beans that I bet everyone wishes they had. My ears are full of pink cotton candy fluff and my nose and beans look like strawberry jelly beans. My fur is white at my most of my front side and the tips of my paws, like I’m a buttered baguette (or like milk).
You have to admit all of that makes me the best baguette, and cat. I’m perfect in every way. I also happen to be a talented genius. My singing is amazing. Even though I’ve tried to sing before, I just know I’ll be the best at it. I can just imagine the applause!
I’m also very funny.
You’re asking me if I have any jokes to tell?! Not at the moment!! I was unprepared!!!
I’m going to make an account on MunTok. When I do, I’ll be the world’s most famous cat. Be sure to follow me. My username will be Worlds_Best_Baguette, Perfect_Coffeebeans, or something like that. I haven’t decided yet.
I’ll write more about myself here later! Or about that almost-as-awesome cat in the mirror.
For now, I’ll give you my perfect pawprint.
Entry#2:
My friends Lemon and Honey (Lemon is a bee that makes honey, and Honey is a bear that loves to eat it) wanted to start a honey business without me called Lemon & Honey.
Imagine that! Anything without me! Crazy, right? So I made them not only include me, but make me star of the show business. (Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration.)
All four names – Lemon, Honey, and Baguette – are something you’d have in or with your tea. So instead of Lemon & Honey, our business is called “This Is For Tea*” or “For Tea” for short.
There is a duet song called “Tea With Two**” and since I’m so brilliant at singing, we can do a triet or whatever it’s called with Lemon and Honey called “Tea With Three.”
I’ll get so much applause! The audience will give all of us applause, just to be nice, but really, they’ll be clapping for me!
I can’t wait for the performance…
Entry #3:
You are all talentless. But I, the leader of the universe, am a singer, your babysitter, and not just an author, but the author.
You see, my name is Baguette Middlename Peakov. B. M. Peakov is a bestselling PEAK author of over 300 books under 50 pseudonyms (including the names of all your favorite authors).
I am the world’s first author, having written the first stories in existence. (What, you’re telling me I was made in a factory 9 months ago? Doesn’t matter.)
I heard when I was starting my diary that Dedenne had her own book called Dedenne’s Adventures. I just know mine is so much better. Just like all other books by B. M. Peakov. All of my books are bestsellers and have won awards. Yet I still have to babysit you.
Rosie is such an incapable president. Why? Because she’s not me. I have a plot to become president and my sidekick shall carry it out while I get all the glory. Vote for me, idiots!
I rule over you like a lion! I hunt you like a wolf! I bite like a snake! I chomp like a crocodile! I intimidate like a tiger! I pounce like a cougar! I poke like a hedgehog!
I’ve been practicing my rattlesnake noises and shark imitations. You better watch out for this Apex Predator… in the bakery.
Muffin. Pounce! Cake. Pounce! Donut, pie, cupcake, cookie, cracker, pancake, eclair, cream puff, cinnamon roll, BAGUETTE, danish, turnover, pastry bite, bear claw, bun, brownie, pounce!
I’m always being made fun of for the story you idiots made up – about me being a baguette because I ate one. I feel the need to specify this is just a rumor by jealous losers with nothing better to do. Jealous losers such as Ponytailed Loser [me], Messy Loser [mama], Blue Loser [Lapras], Pink Loser [Lucy], and Long-Eared Loser [Lizzie]. Oh, and “President” Rosie. Vote for me!
I got a sidekick for the new year and was so excited! I did him a favor (the hero-saint I am) and let him attend my classes on stratagems to take over Munlandia. I taught him my plans for cheating getting elected fair-and-square into presidency to replace that no-good Rosie Pinkie Sparkle, eventually turning myself into a king and then god, sweeping up all the glory while he actually does the stuff (you know, unimportant). But to my dismay, the sidekick was completely incompetent!
He prattled on about some nonsense he called “loyalty,” listing it as his number one qualification for sidekick. Where is your shiny car?? I ask him. Where is your follower count??
Oh look, you jealous losers found my secret writings. You’re saying I’m a conniving cheater? Who, me? I could never! *Flutters lashes* Not this angel from the skies!
Entry#4:
Yesterday, I made a bullying schedule. I put in my morning insult, my lunchtime insult, and my bedtime insult.
But then I realized I couldn’t’ survive from lunchtime until evening, so I added another insult.
I studied my schedule. Something still wasn’t quite right. So I added another insult, for symmetry.
From then on, my paw moved on its own, adding here and there, until my schedule was just right. It was a masterpiece!
Now, I feel the need to complain about the new resident. A few days ago, Ponytailed Loser built Lego Loser, a purple squirrel I’ve added to my list of worst enemies. She just sits there and nibbles on that stupid Lego acorn. With her stupid nerdy teeth.
Speaking of which, how have I forgotten to add to my list of enemies that orange bear [Teddiursa]? He arrived here soon after Blue Loser and Sidekick. (Ha, Sidekick is such an unremarkable loser he has no name other than Sidekick!)
Anyway, back to yesterday. After refining my schedule, I forced a couple jealous losers to add something to their coding lesson.
You see, Ponytailed Loser and Wannabe Code Monkey [Papa] (the one who made up the story about me eating a baguette, and befriended me once only to tell me the next day our friendship had been a joke) were using Tampermonkey to “enhance” Google.com.
They made the Google Search button move somewhere every time the cursor hovered over it, so it was impossible to click the button. And the first time, when the button moved off its original place, its neighboring I’m Feeling Lucky button moved to the center.
It was this I’m Feeling Lucky button I made them change. You know how if you hover over that button, it changes to things like I’m Feeling Curious or I’m Feeling Trendy? Well, now all of them say “Baguette is <something new>” — except the Trendy one. I let it stay “Baguette is Trendy.”
The default became not I’m Feeling Lucky, but “Baguette says halloww.” As for the rest:
Baguette says LOSER
Baguette is cool
Baguette is SMARTH
Baguette is APEX Predetaur
Baguette is Diktaturr
Baguette is Monstar
Baguette is Strongth
Baguette is Trendy
Baguette is Angelyk
Baguette is Menusyng [menacing]
Entry#5 (uncorrected spelling experiment turned out to be too unreadable to feature again and it’s a nightmare just to type one chapter of this onto the computer now):
Halouw jelus lusars, it iz Bugete. Wurldes best syngar end writar. End mujicean. I majik bad lukk yntuu yar lyvese.
I hav nauw reeleesd manee songz in mai kureer. Mai beegeste hyt iz Bugete, an anjelyk songe abaut Bugete’s jenaroseetee.
Mai uther songz arr:
-Apex Predator
-But I (kould do it bettar)
-Baguette (az mansioned)
-Idiots
-Empty
Ownlee Baguette and Empty hav fulee writan dauwn leerycs, but that duzant mettar. I am best syngar.
Mai slayvs hav goten mor end mor dyzobideeant end ymposeebal tu wurk wit. Dey du nat leesen tu mai kommandz, end du nat komplai wif mai beehaivyore skoreeng sistam.
I hav teiken inspearashun fram Powneetayled Lusar’s furst greyde teechar. I hav pins for eech jelus lusar end theiye kan muv up end dauwn tha bored [board]. Eef yuu luse poyntz laik tha lusar yuu arr, yar pin muvs dauwn. Eef yuu geiyn a poynt, noting hapenz. It iz much harder tu geiyn poyntz then tu luse tham, end iz onlee at oll poseebal eef I am in a forgeeveeng mood tudai.
Powneetayled Lusar iz dauwn at Ups! [Oops! was a real category on my first grade teacher’s pin board], dee orenj aria. Messee Lusar iz oll da way dauwn at Dyzobideeant Slayv, dee red aria. Jast abuv da darck red aria – Bugete leevs da haus.
Yas, yuu red dat rite. Bugete wyl leev da haus if yuu kontynyu ty dyzobei, so yuu bettar improov yar behaivyur.
Entry#6:
You are all evil breadists. You eat bread! The horror!
You made cyrniki only for them to be immediately eaten. You didn’t let them live, or even run for president!
That’s why you didn’t vote for me. Because you are anti-bread. Munlandia is full of discrimination.
But I, Baguette, leader of the anti-breadist movement, will tell you what is right. Put all the breads on the thrones and THEY will decide what to do with you.
I have discovered the source of the problem. It is Lily, your pink elephant. You don’t want to address the elephant in the room: breadism. Elephant in the room = breadism, therefore elephants are breadist. Lily is an elephant. She must be punished for starting breadism in Munlandia.
You keep telling me I am mean. I will not tolerate these breadist comments.
Entry#7:
Bye-bye, loosars! Baguette is on vacation! I’m drinking juice under an umbrella on a beach in Hawaii! Sand, sea, and endless food (brought to me by my new, competent sidekicks)!
I wear cool sunglasses because of a cool gang of local cats I’ve joined. I tell them all about my adventures and how awful YOU are.
Have you gotten my postcards yet? I’ve sent you some:
“Glad you’re not here!”
“The views are beautiful – UNLIKE YOU!”
“Taking a break from babysitting you!”
“The cats here are cool – UNLIKE YOU!”
Entry#8 (now that I see this again, my mom’s words about his brother were foreshadowing that she really was hiding one in the basement):
I am so SICK of my brother taking my place! (It was Messy Loser’s idea for me and my brother to remotely swap souls for a while.) Baguette is returning!! I cannot leave my country in the care of incompetent Rosie any longer!
Today at the two idiots’ coding lesson, they had two variables called vatsVert (vertical) and vatsHoriz (horizontal). I told them I’m horizmatic (charismatic) and vertuous (virtuous).
Wannabe Code Monkey made an offhanded comment about me not being able to hack NASA because my short paws can’t reach the keyboard and my brain is too small. When Ponytailed Loser told him he’d given me a complex, he said, “Sharing is caring.”
Munlandia 